In a classic sketch from episode one of Saturday Night Live’s fifth season, Steve Martin and Bill Murray stare directly into the camera and ask, “What the hell is that?!?!” The Gentleman Motorist had the same reaction last week when he saw the Suzuki X-90 in person.
Remember Y2K, that crazy time in 1999 when Chicken Little swore that the sky was falling because computer programmers did not have the foresight to use a date format that would accommodate the new millennium? Newscasts suggested that planes could fall out of the sky and that the financial system may grind to a halt. That didn’t happen. Instead, we got the Chrysler PT Cruiser.
Our next nominee is the Nissan Murano CrossCabriolet. This automobile makes the Gentleman Motorist think of the song “Epic” by Faith No More. In that song, Mike Patton asked, “What is it?” And the response was “It’s it.” That is exactly how the Gentleman Motorist would respond if asked the same question about the CrossCabriolet. A topless, mutant version of the Nissan Murano crossover, the CrossCabriolet is a fish out of water gasping for air. The CrossCabriolet looks equally bad whether viewed in black and white or in color. The CrossCabriolet is neither a crossover nor a cabriolet. Talk amongst your selves. The CrossCabriolet is epically strange. One buys a crossover because it has plenty of interior room for people or things. One buys a convertible to have fellow motorists ogle them as the wind blows through their hair. Nissan must have thought you wanted it all but, with the CrossCabriolet, you can’t have it. There is no room in CrossCabriolet and no one wants to be ogled driving one. Thanks to the bungled CrossCabriolet, the Gentleman Motorist has no more faith in Nissan. The song “Epic” has a beautiful, melancholy outro that carries the listener far away as the song fades into nothingness. And the Gentleman Motorist conjures up that melody whenever he encounters one of these automotive oddities.
 If one listens carefully, the Gentleman Motorists swears one can hear the CrossCabriolet whimpering, “Kill me. Kill me now.”
 The Gentleman Motorist is deliberately invoking the imagery from the music video for “Epic.”
 [Cue Linda Richman]
 Mike Patton used to front the band “Mr. Bungle.”
 Do you see what the Gentleman Motorist did there? Huh, do you?
 That is not true. The Gentleman Motorist actually loves the GTR and the Gentleman Motorist’s grandmother loves her Altima.
Photo(s) from Wikipedia.
Our next nominee is the Suzuki Sidekick. Like the movie with the same name, these Sidekicks beg the question, “Why?” Well because “I really truly want an extremely small, underpowered, convertible, Japanese sport utility vehicle in which I can do nothing,” said no one ever. The Sidekick initially came with an engine featuring a displacement of 1 whole liters and eventually offered an 80 bhp engine and four-wheel drive. Easy, tiger. For the sake of argument, let us assume that statistics do not matter and that the Sidekick’s utility is of no import. Even then, no gentleman motorist would drive one. Why? Because look at it. One cannot be taken seriously in this automobile. Suzuki attempted to make something cute and feminine into something rugged and masculine. Put another way, you could dress Kate Upton in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s costume from Predator, but would she would get to the choppa? This type of bad casting leads to nothing but impotency and sexual confusion. And that is sort of how one feels about the Sidekick.
 Or is that the other way around? I guess that’s the point. Perhaps Suzuki's design team would have benefited from the expertise of David Bowie or Annie Lennox. One assumes the resulting Sidekick would have been far more entertaining.
 This sensation has been well explained by Garth Algar in the film "Wayne's World." “Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny? Wayne Campbell: No. [cracks up laughing] No. Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.”
Photo(s) from Wikipedia.
Like that song by Erasure, we love to hate the Pontiac Aztec. It has looks that only a mother could love. But, since it is an automobile, it doesn’t have a mother. It screams, “What were they thinking?” Some have argued that the Aztec is purely utilitarian and should be judged as such. Well, so was the Toyota Land Cruiser 40 series. But while the Land Cruiser has become a rugged classic, the “Asstec” [sic] is just unbecoming. Not even Walter White could make this car cool, bitch. Pontiac terminated the Aztec in 2005 and then Pontiac terminated in 2008. Coincidence? Maybe. But if there is a correlation, we can heap the blame for losing the G8 GXP on the Aztec. And don’t worry, dear readers, with all that alleged utility the Aztec can handle it.
 Note that even Heisenberg preferred Dodge.
 The Gentleman Motorist is aware that the G8 GXP was actually a Holden and that it is now reincarnated as the Chevy SS. But the G8 GXP was a true moment of promise for Pontiac. It was hailed as an affordable rival to the BMW M5. And, for that reason, the Gentleman Motorist is sad to see the fire bird go the way of the dodo.
Photo(s) from Wikipedia.
“I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.” – Oscar Wilde