Check out the brand new Land Rover Range Rover. Are you surprised, dear readers? Probably not. After all, it is the pinnacle of gentleman motoring. And, to reach that summit, a gentleman needs a vehicle that can transport him in great comfort over any surface on the planet. That is what the “Range” does best. A gentleman could be a man of the people, or he could simply ride over them on a cushion of air. The Range is recommended for that latter and not the former, as one will most certainly draw the envy and ire of fellow motorists. No doubt their assumptions are loaded, but that’s okay because nothing is more loaded than the Range. And when money is no object, no option is too silly. Indeed, one could just spring for the Land Rover Range Rover Long Wheelbase Autobiography Black Edition, which is the Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis of automobile appellations. But playing with the options on Land Rover’s configurator site is just too much fun. So the Gentleman Motorist recommends that you read the following list of Range accoutrements in Homer Simpson’s monotone, drooling voice.
Starting with 22” five split-spoke wheels ($3,200), Barolo Black paint ($1,800)[1], and contrast full size sliding panoramic roof in Indus Silver ($650). And on the inside, let’s go with the Espresso Oxford leather[2], Shadow Walnut with Extended Veneer Pack ($1,510), Rear Seat Entertainment System ($2,400)[3], Soft Door Close ($600)[4], Four Zone Climate Comfort Pack ($4,150)[5], Meridain Surround Sound System ($1,850)[6], and heated wood and leather steering wheel[7]. Let’s not neglect the accessories. Deployable side steps, noble finish mirror covers, rubber footwell mats, loadspace mat, bright pedals, loadspace umbrella holder[8], leather covered rotary shifter, rechargeable torch[9], aluminum gearshift paddles, styled valve caps[10], premium carpet mats, and personalized illuminated tread plates[11]. The Gentleman Motorist should point out, in no uncertain terms, that the example on Land Rover’s website for the last option is “John Smith ESQ.” You may infer what you will. Also, note that Land Rover does not list the prices for its accessories because if you have to ask…. Now, with all that kit, one will need to opt for the extra power of the supercharged model. Finally, we have our Range. So enjoy your superiority. After all, you spent at least six figures to get it.
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[1] The Gentleman Motorist doesn’t always drink Italian reds. But when he does, he prefers a Barolo. Valopollicellas and amorones are also quite good.
[2] Because gentlemen what gentleman would refuse an espresso or semseter at Oxford.
[3] For the gentlekid motorists.
[4] So as not to wake the gentlekid motorists.
[5] The Gentleman Motorist wonders what natural weather phenomena occur when all four zones are set to different extremes.
[6] Consistently voted best in the business.
[7] Just be sure that you don’t brag about the feel of warm wood in your hands. As Sterling Archer would say, “PHRASING!”
[8] Because a gentleman must be able to offer a lady his umbrella and should not have it flapping about noisily in the trunk of his automobile. This trunk-mounted option is effective, but lacks the panache of the Rollys Royce Phantom’s custom door-fitted umbrellas.
[9] A "torch" is merely a flashlight. But doesn't torch sound better?
[10] Opt for the Range Rover emblem but know they will be stolen as soon as you drive off the lot.
[11] This allows you to avoid confusion in the valet line at Auberge du Soleil.
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[1] The Gentleman Motorist doesn’t always drink Italian reds. But when he does, he prefers a Barolo. Valopollicellas and amorones are also quite good.
[2] Because gentlemen what gentleman would refuse an espresso or semseter at Oxford.
[3] For the gentlekid motorists.
[4] So as not to wake the gentlekid motorists.
[5] The Gentleman Motorist wonders what natural weather phenomena occur when all four zones are set to different extremes.
[6] Consistently voted best in the business.
[7] Just be sure that you don’t brag about the feel of warm wood in your hands. As Sterling Archer would say, “PHRASING!”
[8] Because a gentleman must be able to offer a lady his umbrella and should not have it flapping about noisily in the trunk of his automobile. This trunk-mounted option is effective, but lacks the panache of the Rollys Royce Phantom’s custom door-fitted umbrellas.
[9] A "torch" is merely a flashlight. But doesn't torch sound better?
[10] Opt for the Range Rover emblem but know they will be stolen as soon as you drive off the lot.
[11] This allows you to avoid confusion in the valet line at Auberge du Soleil.
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