“The languid strings do scarcely move!
The sound is forc'd, the notes are few!”
“To the Muses” by William Blake
The Car Guy Car
“What,” you ask, “is a Car Guy Car?” Well, dear readers, a Car Guy Car (“CGC”) is the “perfect” car to demonstrate one’s love of automobiles. It is the unicorn of automobiles – the low production number, manual transmission, old-but-not-too-old, perfect service history, cool-but-not-too-flashy car of your dreams. If you already have one, then you have no doubt embarked on an Ahabian journey to find your elusive CGC. That or your dad gave you his old car, and your dad happens to be a hedge fund manager with a penchant for fine automobiles. But if you are thinking about acquiring a CGC, take heed, there is no turning back. Here’s why.
The Gentleman Motorist loves a limited edition import – the sort of car that only automotive enthusiasts would notice. The Gentleman Motorist thought he spotted such a vehicle last week. Sadly, it was just a rebadged Chevrolet SS. But that got the Gentleman Motorist thinking, “Could a gentleman motorist drive a Chevy?” Well maybe he can if it has Holden badges. Here’s why.
Ah, the rite of passage. Like a gentleman’s first single malt whiskey or first graduate degree, there are certain moments that mark one’s arrival at the next chapter of life. And, if you have one of these three vehicles, then “Mazel tav!” – you’re having a baby.
“Wait a minute,” you say, “I don’t have a baby.” You may not have one yet, but the primordial, procreative portion of your psyche knows better. It is, after all, why you just spent a fortune on a the automotive equivalent of Erdinger. I mean, sure it’s German, it tastes the part, but wouldn’t you rather have a Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier? Here’s why you couldn’t help yourself.
“You don’t actually own a Mercedes-Benz unless it cost more than sixty-grand.” Or “Owning a Mercedes-Benz doesn’t happen below an E-Class.” Perhaps, dear readers, you have heard some iteration of this sentiment before. The Gentleman Motorist has (repeatedly), and was inclined to dismiss it as mere hogwash or puffery – the sort of self-aggrandizing, self-justification that the flows from the mouths of the wealthy like Louis XIII from its crystal vessel. But after a recent stint behind the wheel of a 2014 CLS 550, the Gentleman Motorist has learned that it’s also quite true. Here’s why.
“I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.” – Oscar Wilde