“What,” you ask, “is a Car Guy Car?” Well, dear readers, a Car Guy Car (“CGC”) is the “perfect” car to demonstrate one’s love of automobiles. It is the unicorn of automobiles – the low production number, manual transmission, old-but-not-too-old, perfect service history, cool-but-not-too-flashy car of your dreams. If you already have one, then you have no doubt embarked on an Ahabian journey to find your elusive CGC. That or your dad gave you his old car, and your dad happens to be a hedge fund manager with a penchant for fine automobiles. But if you are thinking about acquiring a CGC, take heed, there is no turning back. Here’s why.
The Search. “The very purpose of our life is to seek happiness,” says the Dalai Lama. Well then, my friends, if happiness is a CGC then you better live a long life because finding your CGC is no easy task. You’ll likely start by browsing CarMax’s website, thinking that you can find a cheap CGC with a warranty. But then you realize that any candidate on CarMax is too new and too expensive. Take the BMW M6 for example. Now there’s a powerful German two-door coupe that you don’t see every day. But the closest thing to a CGC M6 on CarMax is a E63/64 M6 convertible from 2009 with an automatic transmission. And taking that puppy to Cars and Coffee is like a 35 year-old wearing a Before the Robots t-shirt to a Better Than Ezra concert during the All Together Now tour.[1] So you quickly realize that you need an E24 M6. But they don’t grow on the trees on a CarMax lot. Nope. You’ll need to hit up something like AutoTrader or (gulp) eBay to find that one. And an E24 M6 worthy of CGC status (if you can find one) won’t come cheap … or anywhere remotely close to where you live.
Travel. Did I mention you would be traveling? That’s right. Unless you live in California or Connecticut,[2] you will need to travel some unreasonable distance to go get your CGC. “Okay,” you say, “I am cool with traveling to get my CGC or even having it shipped to me.” Slow down and think that through. Do you travel with a buddy so that they can drive your current car and you can drive your new CGC back home? Or do you buy a refundable roundtrip airplane ticket so that you can cancel the return flight if you buy your CGC? Or still do you have the car shipped back sight-unseen or on top of your travel expenses? If these questions haven’t curbed your enthusiasm yet, then you are committed.[3] So you’ll need to find some mechanics.
Mechanics. That’s right, mechanics – plural. Unless you are MacGyver or Edd China, you will need to find a reputable mechanic to inspect the CGC before your buy it and another to maintain it back home. At this point, the thought of setting aside reserve funds and preparing an annual operating budget for your CGC sounds reasonable and downright responsible.
The Forums. Even though you are likely weeks if not months into your CGC search, this is probably a good time to make like Kenny Rodgers and know when to fold. Let us assume you’ve found your immaculate E24 M6 in Cinnabar Red. The pictures look great and your mechanic said the car appears to be in good order. All systems go, right? Well, you will still want to check out the Internet forums to see what E24 owners are dealing with on a regular basis. And one Google search and two clicks later you will see a convenient compilation of forum threads titled “E24 Common Problems and DIY Fixes.”[4] “It can’t be that bad,” you think. “I know how to change tires and replace windshield wiper blades.” Good for you. But can you remove a dashboard, repair a flywheel, troubleshoot the self-leveling suspension, replace the throttle boot, or repair the onboard computer? Probably not.
Start Over Again. So maybe an E24 M6 is a bit more than you want to tackle. Fair enough. By now you have spent months if not the better part of the year looking at E24s online.[5] At this point, you should turn off the computer, get some fresh air, pay your bills and contact your friends and loved ones (who, by now, have rightly assumed that you have either moved out of state or had a child ... or both). But first, you are going to open that e-mail you just received from your car buddy. “Dude, there’s a 1964 Jaguar MK2 4-Speed with Overdrive on Bring a Trailer!” FML!
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[1] Stop trying so hard, Ezralites. BTE is a fun band and Before the Robots is a great album. But no one will be impressed by your devotion to LSU’s greatest alt rock band.
[2] The concentration of Hollywood and Wall Street types respectively makes these two states fertile hunting grounds for CGCs. The snowbirds in Palm Beach, Florida also have some low-mileage CGCs on hand.
[3] You might even try making a vacation out of it. “Surprise, honey! I got us tickets to see Rick Springfield live in Branson, Missouri this weekend. And while we’re in Missouri, we can drive north to Springfield so I can chat with this guy I met on the Internet about his old BMW.” Expect divorce papers posthaste.
[4] You lost the Gentleman Motorist at “DIY Fixes.”
[5] You will never own one, but at least you will sound like you know a fair but about them the next time you encounter another automotive enthusiast.
Photo(s) from Wikipedia.
Travel. Did I mention you would be traveling? That’s right. Unless you live in California or Connecticut,[2] you will need to travel some unreasonable distance to go get your CGC. “Okay,” you say, “I am cool with traveling to get my CGC or even having it shipped to me.” Slow down and think that through. Do you travel with a buddy so that they can drive your current car and you can drive your new CGC back home? Or do you buy a refundable roundtrip airplane ticket so that you can cancel the return flight if you buy your CGC? Or still do you have the car shipped back sight-unseen or on top of your travel expenses? If these questions haven’t curbed your enthusiasm yet, then you are committed.[3] So you’ll need to find some mechanics.
Mechanics. That’s right, mechanics – plural. Unless you are MacGyver or Edd China, you will need to find a reputable mechanic to inspect the CGC before your buy it and another to maintain it back home. At this point, the thought of setting aside reserve funds and preparing an annual operating budget for your CGC sounds reasonable and downright responsible.
The Forums. Even though you are likely weeks if not months into your CGC search, this is probably a good time to make like Kenny Rodgers and know when to fold. Let us assume you’ve found your immaculate E24 M6 in Cinnabar Red. The pictures look great and your mechanic said the car appears to be in good order. All systems go, right? Well, you will still want to check out the Internet forums to see what E24 owners are dealing with on a regular basis. And one Google search and two clicks later you will see a convenient compilation of forum threads titled “E24 Common Problems and DIY Fixes.”[4] “It can’t be that bad,” you think. “I know how to change tires and replace windshield wiper blades.” Good for you. But can you remove a dashboard, repair a flywheel, troubleshoot the self-leveling suspension, replace the throttle boot, or repair the onboard computer? Probably not.
Start Over Again. So maybe an E24 M6 is a bit more than you want to tackle. Fair enough. By now you have spent months if not the better part of the year looking at E24s online.[5] At this point, you should turn off the computer, get some fresh air, pay your bills and contact your friends and loved ones (who, by now, have rightly assumed that you have either moved out of state or had a child ... or both). But first, you are going to open that e-mail you just received from your car buddy. “Dude, there’s a 1964 Jaguar MK2 4-Speed with Overdrive on Bring a Trailer!” FML!
_______________________________________________
[1] Stop trying so hard, Ezralites. BTE is a fun band and Before the Robots is a great album. But no one will be impressed by your devotion to LSU’s greatest alt rock band.
[2] The concentration of Hollywood and Wall Street types respectively makes these two states fertile hunting grounds for CGCs. The snowbirds in Palm Beach, Florida also have some low-mileage CGCs on hand.
[3] You might even try making a vacation out of it. “Surprise, honey! I got us tickets to see Rick Springfield live in Branson, Missouri this weekend. And while we’re in Missouri, we can drive north to Springfield so I can chat with this guy I met on the Internet about his old BMW.” Expect divorce papers posthaste.
[4] You lost the Gentleman Motorist at “DIY Fixes.”
[5] You will never own one, but at least you will sound like you know a fair but about them the next time you encounter another automotive enthusiast.
Photo(s) from Wikipedia.
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