Shifting Gear: Decorative License Plates

As some of you may know, dear readers, different states have different requirements for license plates.  Perhaps the most obvious difference is that some states require two license plates (one in the front and one in the back) while others only require one (in the back).  This of course has a physical effect on vehicles because dealerships in states requiring two plates will often drill holes into the front fascia of your vehicle to install said license plate.  Bummer.  Some of you may be saying, “What’s the big deal?  So I have two plates on my car.  Everyone does.”  That is true while you are living in a two-plate state.  But what happens when you move to a one-plate state?  You can either (1) remove the plastic plate holder the dealer installed, leaving holes in the front fascia of your car or (2) drive around with a blank, plastic canvas on the front of your car.  Let’s face it—neither one is a great option.

Enter the decorative license plate.  One can acquire these plates to fill the empty space where your front plate used to be.  But should you treat your empty front license plate holder as a forum for personal expression?  If you do, please be cautious, my friends.  Your plate of choice may say something about you that you did not intend to convey.  So let us examine a few categories of decorative plates to see just how slippery this slope gets.

The Automotive Enthusiast

These brushed aluminum beauties are subtle and much more attractive than the blank plastic holders.  Unfortunately, they are not cheap.  Let us assume that if you bought one these plates, you intended to put it on a Mercedes-Benz, BMW, or Audi vehicle respectively.  Just note that people who might care already know what you are driving.  Do you really need to shout it with a bull horn?  Also, the first one says, “I have more money than sense.”  The second one says, “Caution.  I am an aggressive driver and will take up multiple parking spaces with one car.”  And the third one says (to most motorists), “I really love the Olympics.”  All kidding aside, the third one says, “My car is better than a Mercedes-Benz or a BMW but  I’ll need fifteen minutes of your time to try and explain why.”

The Patriot

The first one says, “U – S – A!  U – S – A!”  We get it.  You are an American.  So are we.  And while it is a great thing, should you really express your patriotism with an $8.00 piece of plastic on your front bumper?  The second one says, “I am so fucking patriotic, even my chocolate lab salutes the flag.”  The third one says, “I am from Jamaica and proud of it.”  In reality, you have just invited a cop’s chocolate lab to come sniff your trunk.  I hope you have an attorney’s business card in your glove compartment.  If not, better call Saul.

The Political Activist

Granted, the Gentleman Motorist does not have a graduate degree in United States history, but it is safe to say that the automatic rifle played no part in the Revolutionary war, King George is no longer treading on any of us, and (right or wrong) one cannot extricate the stars and bars from the historical taint of slavery.  Again, this is your car’s bumper, not an academic salon.

The Sports Enthusiast

You are an asshole.  You are a drunk asshole.  We all feel sorry for you.

WTF?

There are no words.

A Reasonable Alternative

If you cannot find an appropriate decorative license plate, you can always by bumper plugs.  Bumper plugs are small circular inserts that are designed to fill the holes left behind when your license plate holder is removed.  Indeed, some manufacturers claim to have about every color possible for almost every carmaker.  Bumper plugs, are the safer choice, but the little bumps they leave behind are not exactly the perfect solution.

At the end of the day, perhaps one should not sweat the small things.  Then again, a gentleman motorist is known for his attention to detail.  And his car probably should have something with a bit of class and panache under its nose.  Ah, there we are.

Photo(s) from Amazon.com.