Check out the brand new Land Rover Range Rover. Are you surprised, dear readers? Probably not. After all, it is the pinnacle of gentleman motoring. And, to reach that summit, a gentleman needs a vehicle that can transport him in great comfort over any surface on the planet. That is what the “Range” does best. A gentleman could be a man of the people, or he could simply ride over them on a cushion of air. The Range is recommended for that latter and not the former, as one will most certainly draw the envy and ire of fellow motorists. No doubt their assumptions are loaded, but that’s okay because nothing is more loaded than the Range. And when money is no object, no option is too silly. Indeed, one could just spring for the Land Rover Range Rover Long Wheelbase Autobiography Black Edition, which is the Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis of automobile appellations. But playing with the options on Land Rover’s configurator site is just too much fun. So the Gentleman Motorist recommends that you read the following list of Range accoutrements in Homer Simpson’s monotone, drooling voice.
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Ah, the Jaguar XJ. A proper British[1] motor from bonnet to boot. One might assume that XJ owners sip their Earl Grey (milk, no sugar) poured from a kettle with a cozy. And, yes, many knackered lords and ladies fall in this category. But upon further examination, dear Watson, there is much to love about a properly equipped X308. While many of us were discussing Radiohead’s progression from OK Computer to Kid A, Jaguar manufactured and sold 126,260 versions this luxury saloon between 1997 and 2003. Even at the most basic level, the XJ came with British looks[2], loads of wood and leather, as well as the quirky J-Gate shifter. But gentlemen motorists went further, opting for the long wheelbase Vanden Plas edition. In so doing, they obtained a posh and powerful[3] sedan with deep pile carpets and wood folding trays to carry their passengers to and from the golf course or the symphony in ultimate comfort.[4] Thus, the heart of the X308 lies somewhere between Tony Blair[5] and Bullet Tooth Tony[6]. And today, a good example can be had for less than $10,000. So go out and buy one, my son. Before Zee Germans get here. You’ll be chuffed to bits.
_____________________________________________ [1] Actually owned by Ford at the time. Brits speaks of this period in hushed tones typically reserved for conversations about the War. [2] Elegant, sophisticated, and svelte, the X308 looks like a timeless British beauty. No orthodontia required. [3] The Gentleman Motorists assumes that they splurged for the supercharged V8. Even still, the straight six and base V8s provided adequate power. [4] If one is a true connoisseur, the one would acquire the supercharged V8 Vanden Plas. Jaguar only made something like 250 of these powerful saloons so they are not easy to find. [5] Note that the Prime Minister prefers the bullet-proof Sentinel version. But that is a bit much for the average Leaper devotee. [6] The Gentleman Motorist discourages you from playing “Lucky Star” in your XJ. On second thought, like the X308, Madonna is an older American pretending to British. So proceed with caution. Photo(s) from Wikipedia. Behold the Porsche 981 or, as it most commonly known, the Boxster. Like entertainers employed by a certain type of gentleman’s lounge, it is light, agile, and topless. And, like those entertainers, the extras cost a fortune. The 981 has only two seats because it is not for children. It costs a lot of money because it is not for children. And yet, many of its owners bought it to feel like a kid again. But no explanations are required for acquiring this German number. Porsche’s performance pedigree is proven. And while it is not very practical, it is perfect when paired with the 3.4 liter flat six boxer engine mated to the seven-speed Porsche Doppelkupplungsgetriebe[1] (PDK) transmission.[2] The Gentleman Motorist also recommends springing for the Chronos and Porsche Torque Vectoring (PTV) options as well. In mathematical terms, PDK + PTV = OMG.[3] Some people may judge, but simply blast “Du Hast” through the Burmester and leave them behind. In the immortal words of Dieter from Sprockets, “Would you like to touch my monkey?” Yes, Dieter. Yes we would.
_____________________________________________ [1] If you can pronounce this correctly, there’s a seat with your name on it in the Bundesrat. [2] To our Jalopnik readers, the Gentleman Motorist knows that you would have preferred the manual transmission even though it is slower. But the Gentleman Motorist, like most enterprising capitalists, has outsourced the labor of shifting gears in exchange for better performance returns. [3] For Porsche fanatics (Jerry Seinfeld), this is just a nicely-optioned Porsche Boxster S. The Gentleman Motorist knows about the GTS, the Spyder, the Black Edition, and other magnificent iterations of the 981. But for most gentleman motorists, the S is just enough mustard for pretzels and pilsners. Photo(s) from Wikipedia. Gaze upon the understated elegance of the E38 BMW. Like Weezer’s best work, this iteration of the iconic 7-Series was produced from 1994 to 2001. And like the Blue Album, every gentleman of a certain age should own one. From the double kidney grill to the Hofmeister kink, there is no doubt that this Bavarian beauty is pure BMW. A driver’s delight with room for five, the E38 stands among daily driver royalty. The E38 has starred in such over-the-top films as Tomorrow Never Dies and The Transporter despite its below-the-radar appearance. The names of E38 owners often end in the letters JD, MBA, CPA, MD, or III. And while many of these owners may be jerks, they are smart jerks with nice cars. At the end of its run, BMW replaced the elegant E38 with the engorged E65.
[1] Like Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront and The Island of Dr. Moreau, the difference is striking. Put another way, Cassius would have driven the E38 and Caesar the E65.[2] And with the exception of the integrated arm-rest phone (“Hey, you’ve reached Zach Morris. Talk to me.”), the E38 is timeless. Which is why the Gentleman Motorist still wants one. _______________________________________________ [1] People actually know the designer responsible for this design by name because the back of the E65 has come to be referred to as the “Bangle Butt.” At least Chris Bangle gave us the Z4 and the BMW GINA Light Visionary Model. The latter will soon be shown at the High Museum’s Dream Car Exhibit. A wise man once said, “You win some. You lose some.” [2] “Caesar: Let me have men about me that are fat; Sleek-headed men and such as sleep o' nights: Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look; He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.” -- The Life and Death of Julies Caesar, Act 1, Scene 2. William Shakespeare. Photo(s) from Wikipedia. |
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